Nathan was a natural athlete exceling at rugby, football and cricket. Cricket was his passion and at 14 decided this was the sport he wanted to focus on. He quickly became part of the county squad and became known as an outstanding batsman.

However, a number of factors conspired to have a negative impact on his game. Firstly, he was dropped as the county junior captain without really an explanation that he could understand, and secondly his peers had experienced growth spurts whereas he hadn’t and this also had an impact on his sense of worth.

When working with young people, helping them to feel comfortable enough to talk through their issues is imperative. So, I met Nathan with cricket bat and ball at a suitable venue and we proceeded to bash a few balls around and before long Nathan was able to open up and chat through what was bothering him.

I established that he tended to set very high expectations both for himself and the team and would berate himself if this was not achieved. Additionally, he found that now the others had grown, when they bowled at him, because the bounce was higher there was a significant chance this could hit him in the face, so a lot of anxiety.

In this first session, it was crucial that I gave Nathan some quick, practical tools that he could use straight away. We focused on a breathing technique that would help to limit the anxiety he felt when playing and also acts as a good distraction from thinking the worst. We also started to look at what he could control and what he couldn’t control so that he could start to see that focusing on the process rather than the outcome would be more effective.

Further sessions were at my log cabin, where we made a big poster and challenged his negative thinking by working through evidence against and evidence for (hardly anything in this box!) and then looked at more realistic and positive thoughts.

He then went out and had his best batting performance ever and was really chuffed.

(Name has been changed to protect identity)

Sandra, who is in her thirties, came to see me with considerable work based anxiety. She described herself as a hard worker with a passion to succeed, a high achiever who was committed to her role as a Sales Director. However, she was experiencing levels of anxiety when asked to present either internally or to existing/potential clients. This had manifested in her trying to delegate this part of her role or avoiding it by being off sick and knew this was impacting her chances of doing her job well and any chance of being promoted.

When we explored Sandra’s patterns of behaviour I found some very common threads, mainly a perfectionist streak which set expectations that were difficult to achieve. Additionally, she had what is known as an ‘imposter syndrome’ voice in her mind which was quick to point out that she ‘was going to be found out as someone who is not capable of doing this job’ and ‘there are others much better than you’. I am always curious at this stage to understand where the need to be perfect and the critical voice has come from. Interestingly, again quite a common theme is bullying at school and/or a domineering parent which sets an internal programme of needing to control everything and internalising the negative voices that were part of her growing up years, which reflected Sandra’s background.

Rather than trying to stop that voice in her mind, I helped Sandra to find a truism that she would repeat to herself whenever she found herself becoming negative. Truisms are based on something that you like about yourself which cannot be argued with. For instance, Sandra’s was ‘I really like that I give my best to whatever I am doing’ which helped to refocus her back in on the good aspects of her character. We also worked on detailed imagery work drawing on her knowledge and experience to build an effective film role in her mind of her presenting. The brain does not know the difference between a real or imagined event so this is very effective for conquering performance anxiety. Additionally, understanding the physiological response of anxiety is important and providing strategies such as breathing techniques can help to manage adrenal levels.

‘The fact that Karen has a corporate background and understands the pressure of presenting really helped to get to the root of my problems. I never realised how hard I am on myself and taming my inner critic was a revelation.’

(Name has been changed to protect confidentiality)

Alice was in her early forties and struggling with a job that she used to be passionate about but now weighed down with internal politics and an expectation of working long hours. In addition to this, she had a daughter beginning secondary school and already experiencing friendship issues and an ageing parent who increasingly wanted a chat on the phone for an hour a day. Her husband worked long hours and weekdays were spent with them both virtually collapsing on the sofa at 9pm exhausted and unable to have worthwhile conversations.

Alice felt that her life was spinning out of control, where previously she had been well organised and thrived on doing things well and seeing the results. This seems to be a common area, not necessarily an age thing, but more when children become teenagers and begin to rebel against our well-constructed framework and aging parents become needy of our time. This coupled with a work environment that can be brutal in terms of what is expected in effort and hours dedicated to your job. If our sense of self-worth has come from being in control and being successful and achieving goals then this period of our lives can come as a bit of a shock and the need to keep fighting to prove oneself can result in anxiety and self-doubt.

In the initial stages, I helped Alice to chunk out her concerns and worries which then led to deeper conversations about her fears and identity. She felt she had lost herself and there was a realisation that she had a pattern of doing so much for others with an unspoken (or realised) need for feedback to validate her actions. This was not happening at any level, not from her teenage daughter who had started to dump her angst on her mother, nor her aging parent who kept hinting that she wasn’t doing enough for them and a husband who tended to withdraw from difficult conversations. She had a new boss at work that seemed intent on picking up on what wasn’t going well and tended to undermine her in meetings.

Our work together included a subtle shift in expectations away from outcomes (which we cannot control) and a focus on the parts of her life she could control. For instance, instead of trying to make her parents happy which clearly was a difficult ask, she instead was able to feel comfortable that spending a bit of time on the phone each day and visiting when she could was something she could achieve and feel good about. Additionally, she began to realise that her teenage daughter’s unpredictable behaviour was not something that she had to sort or provide solutions for, but more of providing a supportive role and a sounding board which brought a closer bond between them as her daughter felt listened to which is all she wanted.

Once our environment changes as we move through life, so also does our expectations as they can easily become unrealistic and unattainable and there is a need to re-adjust and focus on different aspects to feel good about ourselves.

‘Having that space to really talk through my worries made me realise how much I had been focusing on stuff that I couldn’t control, no wonder I felt anxious.’

(Name has been changed to protect confidentiality)